Wednesday, March 30, 2016

I Am a Hopeless Case

I credit all my mood swings to you. You keep me on the edge. You keep me guessing. And I keep on clenching my teeth and clamoring for your attention. This is becoming unhealthy - sickeningly and saccharinely unhealthy.

I wonder why you enjoy torturing me. Are you even aware that you're torturing me? And I wonder why I enjoy the torture. Maybe I've grown so desperate for you love and attention that I literally put up with anything just so you'll notice me. God I'm desperate. And shallow. And I probably need medical attention because God knows that I need help.

<insert heavy sigh>

Oh the things we do for love and reciprocation and attention! I probably need a slap in the face to be honest. I need a giant wake-up call to finally let go of something that's never gonna happen.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

The Greatest Love of All

I hate it when you push me away like as if you were disgusted of my presence. It honestly makes me jealous when you talk to our friends with much gusto while you ignore me even when I start a conversation with you. You openly exclude me whenever you make plans with the group and it's making me crazy thinking about the possible things that I've done wrong.

I admit that I have made mistakes. I'm probably toxic. My negativity may be driving you away. I'm probably way too sensitive, and I oftentimes make the wrong conclusions especially when I'm on the verge of an emotional shower.

But nonetheless, while I was pinning down the many reasons why you could be ignoring me, it suddenly occurred me to me that I've put up with your mistreatment for so long. You do not respect me. You emotionally abuse me in front of our friends and I think that I am done with it. I am officially over your abuses. I am done with your shite.

I refuse to waste my time hoping for you to change. I will no longer hope for that because I clearly have no power over that. I'm sorry but I think I will no longer worry about whether you're ignoring me or not. I'm sorry because I have decided to be selfish. It's time to build myself again.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Dark Cinemas

What you did a few Sundays ago still haunt me. The pain continues to bleed and the betrayal that I felt is something that I would probably never be over with.

I felt like a used rag doll, devoid of purpose, just carelessly thrown aside after you collected your cinema tickets. In that dark cinema, all I could do was cry at the hopelessness that I was in. You have hurt me deeply. You have disrespected our friendship. You made me realize that the massage incident wasn't the lowest point in my life; it was there, in that cinema, with you ignoring my calls, ignoring me, that I felt cheapest.

I could not face you after the incident. I tried to be upbeat on the way home but your actions that day completely eclipsed every positive light inside me. I wanted to hide from you right after. I wanted to find solace within myself first before I face you because otherwise, I know that I'd only allow you to burden me with my crushed self-respect again.

I buried myself with work that week. I wanted to numb myself but even my job couldn't save me from what you did. Every waking hour is a reverberation of that memory. And I swear I could feel my wounds seeping deeper and deeper inside me.

It might take a while before I completely forgive you. But even if you're not asking for it, trust that I am trying, every day, to forget.

Sunday, March 6, 2016

10am Decisions

Sometimes, one must make terrible decisions in order to feel better - to be better. And although I do not enjoy contemplating about these things, I am writing these down to see how these all pan out in print.

Decision No. 1: I've decided to love myself. Because I realized that nobody else will when the lights are out and the sad thoughts come rushing in. I have to love myself because I have to be with myself.

Decision No. 2: I've decided to stop waiting for you to love me. It may not mean anything to you but it means everything to me.

Decision No. 3: I've decided to distance myself. It's the best thing to do. I do know if anything good came out of me declaring my love to you. But I did not imagine how hurt I would be when you simply brushed me off.

Decision No. 4: I've decided to stop waiting for your messages and to not base my happiness on the number of times you interact with me in a day.

Decision No. 5: I've decided to stop thinking of you - especially when I do my reconciliations, when I'm in the bathroom, and at night and in the morning when I lay in bed all alone. This obsession  has to end somehow and I am ending it now.

Decision No. 6: I've decided to still be your friend (platonic).

Decision No. 7: I've decided to maybe still love you.

Friday, March 4, 2016

It's Late But I'm Still Thinking of You

Dealing with you has been very difficult lately. You're  angrier now and more aggressive towards hurting me. I will not lie, your words have wounded my soft heart. There are even times when I wake up and think about whether I still want to deal with all of this.

Do I still like you? Of course.

But do I still love you?

This afternoon, my office mate shared that it is the bravest who never gives up on love. Even if it's unrequited. Even if at the end there is nothing but loss and pain. She said that if you fight for what you want, you will surely get something in return. That there is always a light ahead in this dark tunnel that you're in.

But what if I've been walking in the wrong direction? What if this tunnel is actually leading me deeper and deeper in this depression? What if that glimmer of light is three lefts ahead when I insist on keeping right?

How do I know when to stop? How do I wisely choose between giving up and chasing tunnels that lead nowhere? When do I stop hoping for you to love me back when you clearly don't? When do I stop hoping that you'd appreciate me and the things that I've been doing when you obviously don't understand my worth?

Maybe I still love you. But if there's one thing I know in my short life, it is this - love may be an immortal life force, but it is no stranger to change. So maybe this love is changing. Sizzling. Burning. Inch by inch. Until all that's left is a dark blotch at the base of my heart.

Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Hello Pain

It is okay to feel hurt. It is okay to cry and succumb to sadness. It is okay to be vulnerable in the midst of all of this hurt. Allow yourself to be unlatched. Open yourself to all this pain. Be broken. Because one day you will be whole and you will smile. You will look over your shoulder one day and feel proud that you've risen from the ashes. Yes. Burn. Be the phoenix that you are destined to be. Welcome that pain. Embrace it. Carry it in your arms. It is your armor. It will protect you.