Wednesday, March 30, 2016

I Am a Hopeless Case

I credit all my mood swings to you. You keep me on the edge. You keep me guessing. And I keep on clenching my teeth and clamoring for your attention. This is becoming unhealthy - sickeningly and saccharinely unhealthy.

I wonder why you enjoy torturing me. Are you even aware that you're torturing me? And I wonder why I enjoy the torture. Maybe I've grown so desperate for you love and attention that I literally put up with anything just so you'll notice me. God I'm desperate. And shallow. And I probably need medical attention because God knows that I need help.

<insert heavy sigh>

Oh the things we do for love and reciprocation and attention! I probably need a slap in the face to be honest. I need a giant wake-up call to finally let go of something that's never gonna happen.

Tuesday, March 29, 2016

The Greatest Love of All

I hate it when you push me away like as if you were disgusted of my presence. It honestly makes me jealous when you talk to our friends with much gusto while you ignore me even when I start a conversation with you. You openly exclude me whenever you make plans with the group and it's making me crazy thinking about the possible things that I've done wrong.

I admit that I have made mistakes. I'm probably toxic. My negativity may be driving you away. I'm probably way too sensitive, and I oftentimes make the wrong conclusions especially when I'm on the verge of an emotional shower.

But nonetheless, while I was pinning down the many reasons why you could be ignoring me, it suddenly occurred me to me that I've put up with your mistreatment for so long. You do not respect me. You emotionally abuse me in front of our friends and I think that I am done with it. I am officially over your abuses. I am done with your shite.

I refuse to waste my time hoping for you to change. I will no longer hope for that because I clearly have no power over that. I'm sorry but I think I will no longer worry about whether you're ignoring me or not. I'm sorry because I have decided to be selfish. It's time to build myself again.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Dark Cinemas

What you did a few Sundays ago still haunt me. The pain continues to bleed and the betrayal that I felt is something that I would probably never be over with.

I felt like a used rag doll, devoid of purpose, just carelessly thrown aside after you collected your cinema tickets. In that dark cinema, all I could do was cry at the hopelessness that I was in. You have hurt me deeply. You have disrespected our friendship. You made me realize that the massage incident wasn't the lowest point in my life; it was there, in that cinema, with you ignoring my calls, ignoring me, that I felt cheapest.

I could not face you after the incident. I tried to be upbeat on the way home but your actions that day completely eclipsed every positive light inside me. I wanted to hide from you right after. I wanted to find solace within myself first before I face you because otherwise, I know that I'd only allow you to burden me with my crushed self-respect again.

I buried myself with work that week. I wanted to numb myself but even my job couldn't save me from what you did. Every waking hour is a reverberation of that memory. And I swear I could feel my wounds seeping deeper and deeper inside me.

It might take a while before I completely forgive you. But even if you're not asking for it, trust that I am trying, every day, to forget.