Friday, October 21, 2016

Post No. 409

I am surprised at how I have delicately and gracefully carried this role. I wholeheartedly accepted defeat and carried the banner like the proud man that I am. I did not lose anything. You cannot lose what you do not have. As a matter of fact, I gained something - the confidence that I can carry on with life, with or without him.

I will find myself, as all pop culture cliches go. Maybe I already have - I do now know. But one is thing is for sure. He lost me. And I did not die in the process.

Saturday, October 15, 2016

Rest in Peace

I will never forget the death of my heart today - of how it desperately tried and ended up accepting defeat and resignation. Maybe this is letting go, a sense of forlorn resignation.

He is on a date right now and there is nothing that I could do but hope and wait and let go. I have always been a stubborn child and I do not enjoy it when people make decisions for me. I realize now that maybe letting go is not easy for me because I did not take part in deciding this move. This is merely the only option left after exhausting the others.

* * * * * * *

I am a stubborn mess. I keep waiting and waiting for him to stay in my empty heart that's left open to invite him in. But he no longer considers my invitations. For him, my heart is a closed room - something filled with unpalatable experiences that he no  longer want to taste.

I want to close this room. But it's left open for so long I no longer know how where the key is.

* * * * * * *

Goodbye my heart filled with love. Rest in peace for one day you will wake up and fight again.

Wednesday, March 30, 2016

I Am a Hopeless Case

I credit all my mood swings to you. You keep me on the edge. You keep me guessing. And I keep on clenching my teeth and clamoring for your attention. This is becoming unhealthy - sickeningly and saccharinely unhealthy.

I wonder why you enjoy torturing me. Are you even aware that you're torturing me? And I wonder why I enjoy the torture. Maybe I've grown so desperate for you love and attention that I literally put up with anything just so you'll notice me. God I'm desperate. And shallow. And I probably need medical attention because God knows that I need help.

<insert heavy sigh>

Oh the things we do for love and reciprocation and attention! I probably need a slap in the face to be honest. I need a giant wake-up call to finally let go of something that's never gonna happen.