Saturday, June 27, 2015

Everyday


I still miss you everyday
and everyday gets harder
and sadder
because everyday
I feel you drifting farther
and further
away. 
Everyday I spiral farther
and further
in the depths of this depression. 
And everyday,
I still wish
that things didn't change.

Friday, June 26, 2015

Post No. 379


The problem with you G is that you probably don't realize that I yearn for your totality, not just what your physical self can offer. I want your intellect, your dreams and fears, your heart. I want your entire essence. You probably think that I'm nothing more than just a horny homo grabbing any chance at fornicating anybody. Well I probably am. But the truth is, you're the only one I'm willing to be slutty for.

Wednesday, June 24, 2015

Some Dreams Motivate You


December 14, 2014

Last night I dreamed of G. We were laying on the floor while a Taylor Swift song reverberates in the background. I was facing him and he was facing up. I didn't know what he was looking at, perhaps the crevices and cracks of the ceiling, or a distant memory he just couldn't shake off. We were singing along. And even if it was a dream, I could feel the emotions rushing and throbbing in my throat. 

And then he faced me and held my hand. Maybe I looked into his eyes. I can't remember. But nevertheless, I knew that things were alright between us. No questions asked. We both knew we loved each other and that was enough.

At one point I told him that I am apprehensive to take the CPA Board Exams. Especially because he's already a CPA and has very good ratings. He smiled - that mischievous, signature grin he does when he implies that certain things are nonsensical. Like maybe he's telling me that what I was saying was nonsensical. That I should just go for it because things are alright and things are going to be okay.

The last thing I remembered was that he said "you can do it". And then the dream rippled into another dream.

Sunday, June 21, 2015

Should Have Been


When my dad died, I realized that the saddest part of my situation was that I've allowed myself to be hurt so much in the past that I've somehow forgotten what it's like to feel pain. I've become so numb and so used to the whirlpool of depression that I wasn't capable of mourning for my own father. I cried of course, but there was always this empty space inside me and it was longing for grief and desolation. It was frustrating because I couldn't give it.

I am ashamed of the petty love life issues that have mercilessly scythed me in the past. I am ashamed that I couldn't mourn. I am ashamed that I was apathetic. I am ashamed because I wasn't sad enough. And I  know I should have been very sad.

Friday, June 19, 2015

Matilda Molded Me


It was only after watching Matilda again when I realized how much the film has shaped my childhood. It was Matilda and her eternal love for literature that has fueled me to actually indulge in fiction (and maybe also made me hope that more than 10% of my brain will be unhinged to enable me to control things with my mind).

Fiction has truly influenced me and enabled me to filter myself into every character that I read, to fill somebody else's shoes, to empathize with his struggles and revel with his joys. Fiction actually made me a better person.  It allowed me to look beyond what people portray. I know what it's like to be a boy in Nazi Germany, an old man fishing for the greatest catch of his life or a passive-aggressive 30-year old who's looking for his wife.

I am simply and naturally in love with fiction. And I am certainly glad that my path, and Matilda's, crossed.

Sunday, June 14, 2015

June


June is moving like a snail and I am itching to have a job. This rainy month is making me drink too much caffeine and the Indian drums in my little heart have been pounding day in and day out.

I also think that I've been listening to too much Sam Smith because In The Lonely Hour literally feels like one giant moist chocolate cake. I can no longer distinguish one song from another like as if the melodies of every song have been seamlessly layered together into one decadent pastry piece. It's a beautiful mixture really - strangely haunting at times, bittersweet, but incredibly addictive.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

My Soul is Tired


Recently, my plans to work in Cebu are hanging by a thread. Not because my Mom doesn't want me to, but because it somewhat feels wrong to live my life there. There's this dark cloud looming over the plan and no matter how hard I try to clear my head, the dark cloud just keeps shading on the idea.

For one, I'd miss out on a lot of family stuff if I do work in the Queen City. Secondly, my Mom's old and it somehow feels like running away from my responsibilities if I leave her on her own. She's completely okay with me working there though, and I have cousins who live practically next door, but still.. .Thirdly, working on Cebu feels like I'm chasing a futile love affair. And it feels frustrating because everything seems that way even if I know deep inside that things have changed, that I have changed, and that I've already grown comfortable with the idea of living by myself.

I'm tired of explaining. And convincing myself. And convincing others. It's exhausting. Thinking's exhausting. Everything's exhausting.  I'll just let this roll and get it over with. My soul is tired.

Saturday, June 6, 2015

On Love. Again.


You're already a licensed accountant yet you're still on the same page you left off last November. On a lighter note though, you realized that you cannot stay friends with the people you've had relationships with-especially when you still have feelings for them.

You cannot keep people. You were never supposed to. You cannot change people and should fall in love with who they are, not who you want them to be. When it comes to love, nothing is really ideal. The all-true mantra for happiness also applies to love: 'be content with what you have'.  Never settle for less, yes, and change is definitely constant, but don't enforce your ideals on people and cookie-cut them into who or what you want your partner to be.

Love should be easy, not suffocating. Love should be free. Don't look for love. Don't beg for love. It'll come and it's going to be great.

Thursday, June 4, 2015

E


So I guess this is why breaking up with you felt like saying goodbye forever. Because it really does seem like you're saying goodbye forever. And there's nothing I can do but gaze at you as you cut all the strings that have attached us from the very beginning. 

I miss you terribly. And I wished I played my cards better when we were still in that crazy, romantic, love boat. Everything's over though. And here I am still, and continually, holding on to the faintest string of hope.

How do I get over us E?