Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Dear You

Tonight I burned your hopes down. I am sorry. You're a good guy. You have qualities someone would swoon over. But I am sorry. I can never be that person. I am a ragged man, a shipwreck. And I cannot use you or anybody to fix me. I do not want to be unfair to you because I know how it is to fight for something in vain.

I am scared to bet my everything again and end up at the losing end. And until I gather enough courage to be vulnerable again, I can never be in a relationship. I'm sorry. I'm not ready. 

Friday, February 21, 2014

Waiting for Lunch

57 Birds And One Owl.

I've been doing lunch alone for too long that I think I've gotten so used to it. It's funny how anonymous you can get in a sea of laughter; how significant minute details are, like how the rays of sunlight peep through the glass panels. or her obviously salon-manufactured hair, or that cute waiter; and how long the wait is for your seemingly simple order to arrive. Time stretches to infinity when you're alone and waiting and ravenously hungry.

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

Post No. 294

Because it is important to write things no matter how pre-conceivably irrelevant they are. Because it is important to chronicle life, no matter how short it is, through thoughts and musings and poetry that blossoms from your temples. Because memory is not something that you can trust and that you need tools, like writing, to preserve significant details brain cells might fail to remember. Because what you say will always be relevant, not to others, but for you alone. . Because you need to, for yourself and not for anybody else.

Therefore, write. And never stop.

Monday, February 17, 2014

Kastilyong Buhangin

Recently, the realization that I positively can't go to a formal review school has been more and more profound. My Mom obviously can't afford it. And since my Dad has a medical condition to consider, and my Uncle has a baby to take care of, there's nobody I can depend on for financial support.

To be honest, even if I don't really see myself in the accounting profession, the fact that I cannot formally review is a huge blow to my ego. The purpose of enrolling in BS in Accountancy is to eventually add the covet-able extra three letters. And because of the current circumstances, I probably never will be a CPA because I cannot, and will not, take the board exams without a formal review. I do not trust myself.

A recent conversation with my OJT boss uncovered these bottled thoughts. He suggested seeking employment and studying/reviewing at the same time. I considered this. I have no problems juggling school and work anyway. But the conundrum is that my Mom is against the idea of me working somewhere off the island. Now I'm torn between giving myself a chance to build a better future verses being the good son that I am. My Mom is the only one that I have and I'm the only one she has. I don't want her to be lonely.

In conclusion, my CPA dreams are like sand castles getting washed by the fierce waves of poverty and circumstance-in the immortal words of that OPM hit, 'gumuhong kastilyong buhanging'. Hashtag heartbreak. Really. I hope this isn't the end yet.

Wednesday, February 12, 2014


Recently the dire need to become a Certified Public Accountant has rubbed off its magic. Surely, the desire is still within me: propelling me to do audit activities at school and accounting related activities at work and making me still want to go to school despite the gore and bloodiness of accounting; but the more and more I do all these things, the more that I do not see myself working in this field.

A contributing factor would probably have to be the degree of accreditation that one must get to be an auditor. Even if you are a CPA, you can't really just accept audit engagements and express opinions on financial statements unless you are authorized by the SEC (or the PRC or whichever authorizing body). Accreditation takes time and I fear that I do not have enough devotion for the course to spend half of a lifetime for these things.

The epiphany is of course, very late, knowing that I'm expected to graduate this March. But anyway, I'm still quite unsure of things. This is what I think. As of right now. Who knows if this will change?

Monday, February 10, 2014

There's So Much To Write About

There's so much to write about.
Of teen pregnancies.
Of your guilt for hiding the fact that your cousin got pregnant and you're the only one who knew.
Of your thoughts when the news was preached to the entire family.
Of babies growing too fast.
Of your worries for your cousin's and her baby's future.
Of review classes you don't go to anymore.
Of your formal review which might or might not happen.
Of your plans to work for the Philippine Stock Exchange or HSBC or Deutsche.
Of your plans to not settle in this city.
Of your apprehensions in life.
Of the fact that you're scared because you don't see yourself in the future involved with the current course you're taking.
Of fashion designing, editorials and sewing and sketching.
Of unanswered questions regarding your initial dreams of trying it out in the fashion industry.
Of what you really want to do in your future.
Of whether you've already figured out what you want in the future.
Of why you haven't figured out what you want to do in your future.
Of the candy-coated fact that you'll be spending Valentine's Day alone.
Of fattening meals and the realization that maybe you don't have a date is because your face is too fat.
Of missing falling in love and being loved.
Of whether you've ever been loved in the first place.
Of romance and the blush of roses of the 14th.
Of whether you'll ever have a Valentine date.
Of dying young and dying alone.
There's so much to write about.

Wednesday, February 5, 2014

You're Wrong

It's not you. I don't miss you. I haven't even thought of you for the longest time. Like a sponge, my brain must have consumed all living memory of you and disposed it neatly, somewhere abysmal-where disposed memories must lay.

These days you're no less than a past I occasionally muse over in my candid moments. Like a photo bomber I wish to just not resurface. To stay in the mud.

No. I don't hate you. You're just no longer relevant.
*In case you're confused, take note of the labels.

Monday, February 3, 2014

Love Month Blues?

And then I realized that our distance even makes it more impossible for our love to continue. Years ago I affixed a comma to what would have been the greatest; fingers-crossed that what we had was a prequel to what we will have. Blame it on my over-thinking tendencies or your drive to just let people fall in love with you and left them hanging, but basically, I let myself hold on to empty expectations.

Looking back now, maybe the reason why the relationship after you failed was because I kept looking for you. And maybe the reason why it was easy for me to transition from that relationship to single-blessedness was the fact that I wasn't even in love in the first place. It was all you even from the start and I only jumped on the bandwagon out of sheer desperation; desperate to find you even in the most unlikely of all places-somebody else's heart.

These recent ruminations of our love are therefore nothing but an explosion of false hopes; unrequited love even more pronounced by distance. And/or maybe it's February, or the cold weather. Nonetheless, I don't like it.