March 24, 2015
The past six months of preparing for and passing the CPA board exams in the city was enough. Working in Cebu, however, is a different story. Not because my mom doesn’t want me to but because a little part of me says that it isn’t right to live my life there.
Reason no. 01 is that I feel like I will miss out on a lot of family events. Going home would be a dance with the blue moon and I’ll probably spend the remainder of my working days lurking in unfathomable loneliness.
Reason no. 02 is that my mom is old. I want to spend as much time with her as I can.
Reason no. 03 is that it feels like I am a chasing a futile love affair. And I know I shouldn’t. And I don’t know if I am. And I don’t know if I’m still hoping. And I probably am still hoping. And I feel hopeless because I keep begging for love. And I feel frustrated. And crazy. And absolutely, madly and hopelessly in love with somebody who can never reciprocate this endless, boundless, infinitely frustrating love.
Today
In retrospect, it is true that I missed out on a lot of family events when I eventually decided to move to the city in 2015. My baby cousins can now talk, and every time I go home (about twice annually on average), the cobwebs and gradual decay of my childhood home never fails to remind of the years I missed.
I cannot exactly recall the reason why I wanted to move away. Before I even decided to take the CPA board exams, I was keen on working in our municipality - perhaps in a bank, or as a cashier at a private health clinic. When I graduated college, I was headstrong on immediately providing for my mom and me that I spent about six months sending out applications and doing interviews.
I did have dreams of being big when I was young. But it was in college when I realize that the old adage: ‘poverty is not a hindrance to success’ is not true. For many of us poor Filipinos, aspiring for our dreams is not always an option. Sometimes dreams take the back seat in favour of practical endeavors - thus Accountancy because “it pays well”. And so when I graduated, realizing that I didn’t even want to become a CPA, I decided to just settle on any job that can pay the bills.
My life made a different turn though and here I am, a hesitant CPA, in a city I’ve called home for the last five years or so.
My life here is not always sweet. There are nights of unfathomable loneliness. And I am always haunted about whether or not I made the right choice of leaving my nest and pursuing lofty corporate ambitions. I worry about my mom every day. And the pandemic is not making things any easier. But I take comfort in the fact that I can provide for her better now. And that we have at least an insurance plan to cover her semi-annual check ups.
And there are also happy and happier days - when the worries that plague me fade because of good food and good company. I always tell my childhood friend D, who’s also here with me, about how our teenage selves could only imagine about living in a city where ramen is just a phone call away. I never would have discovered hibiscus tea. Or cereals for breakfast.
Many years ago, the love that I have described here and in many of my writings may have been the most important thing to me but even that has changed. I have moved on. And will continue to do so as each new day comes.