Murakami was right. The distance between two hearts is a distance that is neither pursued nor measured. Because one simply cannot. One can only feel it and let it seep through one's bones. Until it softens the core. Until one is nothing more but a shapeless lump: unmoved, numb and dead - physically and emotionally.
Saturday, August 29, 2015
Monday, August 24, 2015
Last night his kisses were a little different. A faint whiff of distance is still there, and I'm a still a hopeless vessel of longing; but his kisses were a little different. And the muddle of confusion, like a goldfish endlessly looping in circles, is severing my insides. My thoughts of him are clouds-shapeless, weightless, but carriers of rain.
Sunday, August 16, 2015
I often wonder about where this relationship with G will take me. I mean, we clearly aren't more than friends, and even though there's still a silent scream inside me every time our skins touch, I've already refused myself the luxury of hoping. And it is exactly this restriction that is keeping the thin strands of our 'friendship' intact.
I must befriend him without agenda in order to mend the wounds of the past and to basically eliminate the giant elephant in between us. The problem is that I still have that agenda, or seem to have that agenda - by working here in Cebu, by living in the same dorm and by simply still hanging around when there's nothing to hold on to anymore. It is in this arena that I realize that I'm already defeated.
Life and love oftentimes require perfect timings. And I'm afraid that I'm always either too advance, or too late. And now I'm contemplating whether it's already time to rest my case, to stop pursuing and to just go with the flow. Because it's been a long, tiresome run. And I hate losing people again.
Sunday, August 9, 2015
I think that the most important life lesson anybody should learn is this: you do not need to suffer. And although to endure suffering is a very Christian mantra, and sometimes an admirable trait, one must have enough self love to identify conditions and circumstances that one can choose to not be tangled with.
You don't have to put up with that moody roommate. You don't need an emotionally abusive boyfriend. Or an inconsiderate job. Master the art of putting a fine line between what's tolerable and what's not. Love your life by the choices you make. The best ones are those that you can live with wholeheartedly - no negative energies; just pure, unadulterated happiness.
Monday, August 3, 2015
I am rereading Haruki Murakami's Norwegian Wood and I realize that most of my Saturdays are very much like Toru Watanabe's Sundays. On Saturdays, I do the laundry in the morning and spend the rest of the afternoon in idle, infinite, solitude. I'd read a book, or listen to music - basically filling the void that life has left inside me.
Self-help articles have taught me that enjoying alone time is the best way to cure loneliness and emptiness, but how exactly do you do enjoy loneliness? Should you just stare at white, low ceilings after the day's work is done? Do you read literature or listen to music, when technically, these are not personal thoughts but other people's musings of their own alone time that are cleverly etched on paper or tunes?
How do you become alone with your own thoughts and not get scared that these will drown you and suck all the sunshine away on bright, sunny Saturday afternoons? In fact, what does it even mean to be alone in a universe that is a potpourri of atoms and imaginings?
I guess the old mantra that 'no one is alone' is truer than in seems.
Saturday, August 1, 2015
August is a ripe mango that's swelling with yellowness and my pilgrimage towards possible celibacy has begun. Funny how life often forces us to make half-heart decisions and funny how tangled we can all get in between the blankets of depression and desolation that we sometimes resort to unconventional solutions to cure the loneliness inside our little hearts.
This time though, the reality that G and I are becoming more and more like platonic friends is keeping me on the edge. I think we still both want to continue out present arrangements. It's just that the road towards paradiso has simply gotten narrower and harder to pursue. Can friends-with-benefits truly and gracefully cross the divide towards becoming, well, just friends? Can I really stay sexually and emotionally sober for the next ten decades? And will I finally be able to distinguish the difference between love and lust?
Who knows? August has just begun but it's already an eventful affair.